Five Guys Burgers and “Whys?”

Posted: 20th March 2014 Written by Kevin Bacon in Top Ten Burgers in Atlanta
Five Guys Sign Logo

Five Guys Burgers Phone Number, Directions, Menu, and Hours:
1757 East-West Connector #420, Austell, GA 30106 | 770.944.7308
Every Day
11:00a.m. to 10:00p.m.
“‘Five Guy’s has been ZAGAT survey rated every year since 2001 and has been voted the Washingtonian Magazine’s ‘Readers’ Choice’ #1 Burger every year since 1999!'”
FiveGuys.com
“Voted Best Burger”
– Capital Region Living
“Rated #1 Burger for Lunch in NYC”
– Time Out New York
“The Best $5 Burger A Man Can Eat”
– GQ Magazine
“Voted Best Bargain”
– Washingtonian Magazine

Good:

A.1.® Steak Sauce is always a Fail-Safe | Ballpark-Style Peanuts pivot your attention from the Staff’s Repine

Bad:

Lower Your Voices: I do not EVER want to hear the reverberating cackles of “urbanized” employees. If you cannot talk amongst yourselves, then refrain from the profane.

Other Thoughts:

Your hours span, depending on Daylight Saving Time, far past dusk; so why doesn’t your sign light up? Not one person on East-West Connector (Barrett Parkway) knows you are in business till ten: I promise.

The entitling “Whys?” remark stems from my disbelief of their obsolescent accolades:
  1. Who boasts fifteen-year-old awards?
  2. In which decade was this burger only $5?
  3. How does the $14.50 I spent on Three Patties, Toppings, and Fries; equate to “Best Bargain”?
  4. When will the Washingtonian, Time Out NY, GQ, and ZAGAT revoke their decelerations?

Full disclosure, I’ve been dreading this review. Not necessarily because of their “mainstream” stigma but rather, I have never been aghast with their food or workforce. In short, we’ve yet to feel welcomed at any Five Guys store; I am always just another taxable patron, not in the least an appreciated customer.
Need an Example?

Here is what one refers to as the, “Why-Are-You-Here-an-Hour-Before-We-Close” Burger:

A Burger from 5 Guys Burgers & FriesDouble CheeseBurger from Five Guys

Bacon Cheeseburger
(Roughly $8.50)
Two Fresh-Ground Patties, Bacon, Cheese, Grilled Onions, Fresh Jalapeño Peppers, Green Peppers, A.1.® Steak Sauce


While the aforementioned ingredients are arguably paragons within 5 Guys’ ensemble of greens, such adoration was mournfully vacant on this night. In the most unperceived fashion, the “Wigger” (excuse the pejorative reference to the “cultured” caucasian) on staff transformed my herbaceous choice of produce into a mere, tasteless array of botanical obstacles. Combined with the novice mistake of layering my “Toppings” under the meat (“bottom-ings?”), this oral escapade was tantamount to eating a mouthful of veggies while holding your nose: there was no taste to reward the texture.

If you revere the aestheticism of plastic-wrapped American Cheese Slices, you will not emphasize with my next point. Personally, the sight alone triggers the same inner discourse as my disdain for Flesh Tone Underwear, “F’n Ew Dude.” If I wanted room temperature cheese, I’d be paying $5 for a footlong. This non-melting cheese denotes a real underlying issue, “What temperature is your burger to where it cannot melt dairy … how can that be safe for consumption … or, the ‘heck’ is in this cheese?”

Apart from this rant, it seems contradictory to include them in ATL’s Hamburger Rankings; clearly, I welcome all encroaching competitors to the ranks. While my consensus on their customer service will always remain the same, they still deserve (for now) a spot for being one of America’s most sensible channels for that “Better-Than-McDonald’s” burger-outing. They are rightfully nested in the “Gourmet-Burger-with-Training-Wheels,” while “Not-Driving-30-Miles” pigeonhole.

Bacon CheeseBurger from 5 Guys in Atlanta

what 5 Guys is capable of but does not guarantee

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