The Vortex Atlanta Man vs Food

Posted: 7th September 2012 Written by Kevin Bacon in Famous Atlanta Burger Joints, Top Ten Burgers in Atlanta

The Vortex Little 5 Points

The Vortex Skull | Little 5 Points

Good:

Who wouldn’t want to go somewhere that Man v. Food’s Adam Richman defines as “Consistently Voted the Best Burgers in Atlanta.” Very quick service, completed our hajj in just under 45 minutes.

Bad:

Undercooked; they claim “Chorizo, Green Chili, and Pepper Jack Cheese,” I saw no Green Chili and my Chorizo tasted like Hamburger Helper.

Other Thoughts:


Wow, this place is small; and the outer deck, try a Funhouse.

Bathroom:

As you approach the vicinity, it is the same uncanny smell and thick, musky aura of a Haunted House; you can physically feel the presence of the bathroom. The walls are covered in the same, embossed, metal sheets that line the narrow aisle of a Public School Bus.


The Vortex Phone Number, Directions, Menu, and Hours: 

438 Moreland Avenue Northeast Atlanta, GA 30307 | 404.688.1828
Sunday – Thursday
11:00a.m. to 12:00a.m.
Friday – Saturday
11:00a.m. to 2:00a.m.


While watching Man v. Food’s review of Moreland Avenue’s Famous Burger Joint and hearing Adam Richman’s full-mouth proclamation,”If you’re in Atlanta, and you wanna go for a Great Burger, I’d say hands down go to The Vortex“; The Swiss and I decided to see the site for ourselves.

The Vortex Atlanta Graffiti

Sadly, This Mural Has Recently Been Painted Over

After great debate, we agreed to head to the Little 5 Points location rather than Midtown. Swiss had been to the latter, long story short, he liked Midtown’s locale more.¬†Upon on arrival, we parked behind the adjacent building; approaching the establishment, we admired the defacing artwork.

Five pictures later, we entered the bizarre,¬†claustrophobic, space that is “Burgers and Bonding and Buddies and Beer” (Richman, 2008).

Inside The Vortex AtlantaFirst off, the angles from Travel Channel do not portray the bantam amount of internal surface area; I could spit the Vortex’s length (my regards for the graphic analogy). Rather than being asked “where would you like to be seated,” we apparently had “Outside” written on our foreheads. Out the door, up the waterlogged stairs, and into the plexiglass framed enclosure; we sat amongst a fruitful cornucopia of clientele (we bold for emphasis).

Once returned to the table, we were greeted (more like approached) by a¬†lackadaisical “Dude.” Regretfully, I do not remember his precise rhetoric throughout our repast; needless to say, it was far from cordial. In concession, the overall behavior of the staff was rather “Billy Bad A$$”; I assume this, along with the clutter of Softcore Pornography, exemplifies why one must be over 18 to enter.

Spanish Fly $8.75 | Blue ‘Shroom $9.25


Steering away form the infamous Double Coronary Bypass Burger, Big Swiss and I chose two other publicized items.

<– Big Swiss and Kevin Bacon’s Signature Decisions, Respectively –>

Spanish Fly Burger: a spicy serving of our Secret Ground Chorizo Mix and Pepperjack Cheese

Blue ‘Shroom Burger: our¬†thick Blue Cheese Spread, Saut√©ed Mushrooms and Bacon

We choose the two above since they were equally alluded to during the show; surprisingly, we were both starving and had to resort to an early appetizer. Although the below description of the Nachos is sans beef, the waiter listed it as an option; consequently, we received Turkey Chili instead.

Mucho Mas Macho Nachos: Crisp Tortilla Chips smothered with your choice of Firehouse, Veggie or Turkey Chili, and topped with Shredded Jack & Cheddar Cheese, Black Olives, Chopped Lettuce, Sour Cream and Chunky Red Salsa | $8.75 |

Atlanta's Mucho Mas Macho Nachos

On an important note, I did partake in as little Sour Cream as possible; despite my disgust for White Sauces.


Before I move on, let me reiterate the haste in our service; we were only there for a comfortable 45 minutes.

The Vortex's Spanish Fly BurgerBlue 'Shroom from Man v. Food Atlanta My premature judgement of the “Spanish Fly” was disappointment; unlike Man v. Food’s description, the Menu and the Meal lacked a “Green Chili.” I prompted the waiter on the topic, he seemed unaware of such produce. At first glimpse, the morsel lured me in; Swiss and I gawked at the presentation of our dishes,¬†mouths watering and all.

The richly pigmented, adipose yet hardy, sauce comforting my Pepper Jack Cheese’d Ball of Meat allowed no room for negative cognition. That first bite was much deserved, initially, I was charmed.¬†Big Swiss was smitten with his Blue ‘Shroom, though he muttered that Farm Burger’s Maytag Blue Cheese still held his heart. He knew he wanted that ‘shroomed and smothered selection as soon as it aired on television.

Being a Mexican Food Enthusiast, I had altitudinal expectations for this “Chorizo.” Differing from the dry, meaty, salty, spicy taste I have been conditioned to love, what lied atop my cheese was nothing more than the Turkey Chili plaguing our pre-dinner Nachos.

My Raw Burger from The VortexNearing the epicenter of our sandwiches, a sudden transition in composition alarmed us; the proceeding bites returned less cooked, way less appetizing, mouthfuls. Hands Free and Burgers Down, we admitted the cooked temperature was not “medium” like we had requested. Trying as we might, the queasiness in our stomach’s begat insipidness; we were done, unlike our Hamburgers.

Dumbfounded at the “not even medium-rare” patties, I asked for the check.


So, How Do I Review The Vortex?

Well, I was not pleased with the building but of course, the Midtown structure is vastly more modern. The decor is pleasant for a hoarder or those who thrive in clutter; the restroom experience was some-what traumatizing and the service was apparently inattentive. Nonetheless, we regard the undercooked incident as just that, one incident. Had they been cooked properly, this would have been a memorable, delicious¬†experience. Furthermore, authentic chorizo is a much needed addendum for the survival of the “Spanish Fly.”

  1. Derrick Rice says:

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  2. Matt Waechter @cjjeepdude says:

    I went with the Big Bad VooDoo Patty….half the amount of the cream cheese spread would have went a long way. The burger had a nice combination of sweet and salty with the great bacon. The spicy green pepper jelly made the burger. I would eat it again but would go to Farm Burger given the chance.

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